I am whatever I say I am...just rambling

Eminem said he is whatever you say he is. Not me. I say I am energetic… lazy…confused…dazed...excited…bored…loveable…hateable…hungry like always…flighty…flirty…creative…dense…proud…scared…nervous…interested and interesting…sexy in my own mind…full of everything and still running on empty…driven…deferred…envisioning and still blind…aware and clueless…hard lover…easy like Sunday morning(not that damn easy though)…tough as nails…soft as cotton…contradicting (kina like what you’re reading)…thinking constantly…remembering my daddy…loving the memories…wishing for more…prayerful…thoughtful…somewhat selfish…concerned…reckless with the pen…nice with the paper…wild and untamed…temperamental…a little conceited but its good for the soul.(much like a smile) …I am happy and sad…slightly obsessively compulsive but not much…scatterbrained…narrow-minded and open-minded simultaneously…patiently impatient (if you understand that)…strong willed… dreamy…possibly a lil bipolar but I aint been diagnosed. (that was a joke) to be continued as progress. But yeah. I AM not finished. lol

Cancer, Politics and Voting

*The views and opinions of this blog are those solely of the blog owner...ME*

Okay so cancer is running rampant among Americans not just African Americans. My father lost his battle in November of 2007. A coworker lost hers February of this year (2008). What I don't quite understand is why the Democrats and Republicans are able to raise billions of dollars for campaigns for numerous things like taxes...and more taxes and health insurance BUT none of them speak on raising money to fight the cure for cancer. Seems a bit strange to me. Everyone is raising money to fight cancer and find the cure but where is all the money that has previously been raised?

I have always wondered why we never hear of political figures being diagnosed with cancer. I mean, it's just a thought but while reading this if you know of someone, please feel free to let me know because I know of no one.

In all honesty, I do believe the cure for cancer is sitting in some one's lab inside a freezer inside a safe and only certain people have access to it (politics!). But like I said, this is just a personal opinion.

This is just something for you to think about...

If the cure for cancer was made available to the people think of how many doctors would go out of business. How many companies that make chemo and other medicines used to treat and/or help people with cancer would fall through the cracks? The medicines only seem to make patients more and more dependant on them, thus, more money being spent buying them. One drug prevents on thing but the side effects calls for another drug. In the end, a mixture of drugs are being given to patients which in the end is making them sicker and much weaker. But once again, these are just personal opinions.

I doubt if I vote this year. I haven't heard much talk about fighting to save cancer patients' lives during the campaigns so...until I hear something, I'm not voting. Cancer is very serious and I wasn't as conscious about it before as I am now due to my father. I won't vote for Hilary JUST because she's a woman. I won't vote for Obama JUST because he's African American. Give me one willing to fight and save the lives of people suffering from this horrible disease and they'll have my vote.

*The views and opinions of this blog are those solely of the owner...ME*

Thoughts of you

There are some moments during the day when my mind is flooded with thoughts of you and what would have, could have and might have been. Quite like thoughts of my father. They come of their own will and stay as long as they please without notice or concern for me. There are times when I wish I had never placed that call to you because since I did, my mind is consumed with thoughts of you, me, and us and that night we spent together...Sometimes I really do wish…Then there are those moments when I lick my lips and taste yours instead of my own or when I smile and remember the fact that I’ve shared with you that same smile…Things should have been different…Things could have been different…The aggressiveness of your whisper as I lay beneath you…the motion of your hips…the heat of your breath are all implanted on my brain…yet still a distant memory. Memories do fade…just not those of you. Thoughts of you cooking for me…serving me…makes me smile. These thoughts run rampant and I am helpless to control the urges…I smile for no reason when you enter my mind…My temperature rises with memories of what your bed looks like…or the vision of us riding in your truck…sorta like Ma and Pa Kettle. I laugh at how you wanted to change gears but your arm lay between my legs which made for tricky…and sticky situations. I really do wish…I placed that call with the intent of keeping in touch…and to hear your voice. It’s what I hear at night…your laugh…the timbre…you. I play the “Remember When” game alone…because I remember when I first saw you…sexy. I remember after we first met, we didn’t talk for months…I remember when we spoke again, you had become a father…I remember when I fell…yeah I remember. I still remember when it all came to a halt…I remember…I just wish…you could remember too…

Closer; Goapele's words... thoughts

Sometimes you just have to let it go
(let it go, let it go)
Leaving all my fears to burn and die
Push them all away so I can move on
Closer to my dreams
Feel it all over my being(my being)
Close your eyes and seek what you believe
The path is long(the path is long)
But I'm moving home to my dreams
(I'll be moving on)

The more I grow as a writer, the more I pay attention to life and things that surround me. Including people. My people, my family and friends. Those who know me know where my passions lie. They don't lie in my place of business, they don't lie in a school standing in front of students. My passions lie inside of books, mine and others. My passions lie inside ink pens and pencils. I write. Writing is what I do, it's what and who I am.

As I write, I encounter negative vibes on a continuous basis. The conversations usually go something like this...
Them "What is it that you want to do in your life? Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"
Me"I'm a writer. Hopefully in 5 years I'll be an established author with numerous works under by belt. Writing is what I do, it's what I love."
Them "Oh....um...okay. That's cute. But how will you make money?"
Me "I don't write for money. I write because it helps me exhale. It's part of who I am.
Them "Oh well, okay then"

See, shit like that irritates me. But what they don't know is that the more I grow, the more I learn to feed off that negativity. The more negativity that comes my way, the closer I feel to my writing. The closer I get to being where I want to be as a writer. I get closer and closer to my dreams with every bad thought and every nay-sayer that I am faced with. What people understand is that everyone is given a talent/gift from God and what you do with that talent/gift is your gift back to him. If I know there is something in me that can change the world or make people understand me and hopefully understand themselves, why would I not want to put it out there?

In one of my first posts on this blog, I posted about a random email I got from someone that just happened to literally stumble across an article I wrote. That's why I do this. I do this for everyone else more than I do this for myself and definitely more than I do for money. I have been writing for years and haven't received a dime. Why? Because writing is who I am. Granted, the negativity can take its toll on a person and it can definitely make you second guess yourself in the worst way. But at the end of the day, I can't deny what I do. I can't deny who I am. I can't deny me!!!

Back to the topic of this. Closer. Goapele. With all the things that are happening and the people I am meeting, I feel myself and know in my heart that at the end of the day, I am so much closer to my dream than I was the day before. Watch out world, I...Am...Here...!!!

Pseudonyms, Stage Names and Monikers

Okay so, I have been debating and debating on a stage name. I love my name, Tiyatti Shavona Speight, don't get my wrong, but sometimes I want a name that can define me and what I do or who I am. Something other than my gov't name. So I had narrowed it down. Pensive, which means musingly or dreamily thoughtful. I actually liked that. But...it had only one meaning. You basically knew what it meant once you heard it. So I wanted something that had more than one meaning all in one meaning, if you can understand that.

So I asked around and one person who is absolutely insane (in a good way of course) came up with a few. Some that I just wasn't feeling and mostly ones that she was just throwing off the tope of his head. But she finally came up with one that I was definitely feeling...neXXus. Now, for those of you who don't know what nexus means, it means a casual link or a connection, OR it's the center or focal point. I really like that. What I write and the things I say is the connection between me and the world. Not to mention, I am the focal point. Ha Ha. Now, I chose the two capital X's for a reason. I always had a thing for chromosomes. XX is the chormosome for the female. XY is for the male. ( just a lil lesson for ya!) So I am neXXus, the feminine link to the world. If that makese sense. Okay so when I actually get the damn definition and all that other stuff down, I will definitely rewrite this because I may have lost some people with that. If so...who cares.

Al Sharpton...Hypocrite? Yup!

Now I am not one to really post on controversial things. Simply because I sometimes like to keep my thoughts to myself. Only because I know they may not be the politically correct thought or feeling. Don Imus...okay so he called them some nappy headed ho's. Now personally, I saw some rough looking pictures of those girls and...well let's just say his "views" didn't go unfounded. I may have kinda sorta saw what he saw but...that's just me. **If you got upset with this comment, this is the reason I don't post about shi*t like this** The man has a right to an opinion.

I personally think Al Sharpton took the whole incident a little too far. I honestly think the girls would have been content with a formal and public apology from Mr. Imus. But as usual Al Sharpton injected himself in the situation and made quite a large deal out of it. In the end, what Mr. Sharpton wanted was granted: Don Imus was FIRED!

Now, on to the reason for this post...Al Sharpton wanted Mr. Imus fired for his "racial" slur but I saw a picture of him in JET Magazine laughing and cutting the shit with 50 cent when 50 calls females bitches, ho's, sluts, tramps and any other degrading words toward women. You can't NOT (double negative, I know. It's done purposely) accept what Imus said and socialize with 50 when he's doing the same things and using harsher words. I fail to understand why it is soooo wrong for Mr. Imus, who I am to assume is white, to say words that fail to compare to words 50 uses. Does anyone else ever have that thought?

I just read an article saying that Mr. Sharpton wouldn't object to Mr. Imus getting his job back as a radio personality. Then what the hell was the point in getting him fired? He made a HUGE uproar, accomplished his goal and then when it blows over, he just brushes it off. Personally the whole situation was blown totally out of proportion, Al Sharpton is a complete hypocrite, especially in this situation, and at the end of the day, those girls will still look the same and 50 will continue to call us women whatever the hell he wants to and Al Sharpton will CONTINUE to talk with him as if it is okay. Why is it okay for one and not the other?

Al Sharpton=hypocrisy!

Uhh....Maybe Not

Okay so I said I was going to post a new piece. But, I actually like it soo much that I'm going to keep it under wraps. I just don't wanna put it out there yet. Call me selfish, and I probably am but...maybe I'll post it later.